Satisfaction, euphoria, and overwhelming patriotism are rapidly spreading across the land now that the court has convicted and sentenced 10-year-old heartless felon Gud E. Tushus to life in prison without the possibility of parole for the most heinous act physically possible: first-degree murder in self-defense.

Two days ago, on January 3rd, 2037, Mr. Tushus was performing the suspicious, society-condemned act of volunteer work for children in need by donating everything he has ever earned up to that point to charity, crafting numerous such different luxuries as education and sophisticated nourishment for those in hospitals, and even - GASP! - donating his own organs and blood to his local hospital, all of which have been condemned by the entire country under order by Donald Trump during his sixth term as elected dictator of the United States, who has rightfully denounced all charity work as “piggy banks oozing with hypocrisy and lies”.

At approximately 4:20 PM in the afternoon, world-famous assassin John Wilkes Booth III crashed through the window of the hospital during one of Tushus’ many blood transfusions for needy children, hoping to put an end to the heinous criminal’s horrible crimes against society. Unable to halt the medical process, all Tushus could do, so says eyewitness and nurse Noota Daktier who was also tried with aiding the fugitive, was kick Booth in an attempt to ward him off when attacked. When Tushus did so, Booth was knocked into a table topped with numerous medical supplies, one of which was a scalpel that cut his neck, killing him from the resulting blood loss.

Daktier called in the hospital’s entire staff to attempt to save Booth, though the cut in the neck caused by the scalpel as it fell from the table and onto the floor had proved to be too deep for anyone to properly seal, and he died in the arms of Daktier, who was accused and later convicted of first-degree murder for finishing him off due to her grip around his body cutting off his circulation.

“I’ll never forget the last thing he had ever said to me,” remarked a sobbing John Wilkes Booth II, John III’s loving, gun-toting father, who had taken his son’s murder so hard that he could barely be understood through his tears. “He said, ‘[Forget] you, [forget] this [freaky] house, and [forget] this whole entire [freaky] family!!’ He was always so passionate, too beautiful for this cruel, cruel world!”

When called in for questioning, Tushus was openly defensive about the crime he had so heinously committed. “The dude tried to kill me!!” Was the first thing he said to his interviewer, showing an extensive vocabulary worthy of the serial killer he was, having gone to the infamous Smarr T. Penz University after having reportedly skipped six grades. “He assaulted me, and I just defended myself! What’s so wrong about that? I didn’t even provoke him or anything! I haven’t done anything to hurt anyone!!! This is an open violation of the Eighth Amendment, and I demand to know who made these rules!”

Lord Trump, who had just happened to be at the hospital at the time to take a picture of Booth’s corpse and place it on FaceBook as a customary sendoff that is of the utmost respect across the nation, spoke up then, making the following, beautifully inspirational speech that left everyone present in tears:

I did! I created these rules, and with great pride, I brandish them against you, Mr. Tushus, as you have gone against each and every one of them! Donating to charity, giving your organs and blood to those who need them…bah! Disgraceful!! I have seen these acts of so-called “kindness” that you have done, Tushus, and this entire nation spits in your face! And what’s this about this so-called “Eighth Amendment”?! Balderdash!! Life in prison without parole is a perfectly good sentence for a criminal such as you, Mr. Tushus, because you have demonstrated permanent incorrigibility, as you have taken the life of an innocent man that I personally asked to deal with you, and that means you can never change! You have resisted arrest, and, more importantly, justice, and for that, you must pay slowly with your life!! So says I, the rightful dictator of the United States!!

Tushus, clearly out of patience for such beautiful poetry and righteousness, lunged at Trump, and the resulting fight between the hero and villain of the nation was such that a fire was started by the dictator’s cigarette lighter, which had fallen out of his pocket during the fight and set the hospital on fire, causing Tushus to also earn charges for arson and battery against the dictator, increasing his life sentences to three when tried in court, for a total of three hundred and seventy-five years behind bars that would certainly not hold any fluffy puppies to cuddle and tend to for his so-called “volunteer work”.

“Why would our son do this?” A very disappointed Bah D. Tushus, Gud’s father, desperately asked our reporter when questioned. “He was always so obedient before, so why would he do such heinous things?! Nobody in their right mind has ever done such horrible things as…” He was hesitant to even say the name of the sin. “…volunteer work before, so why would such a subservient, bright-futured boy take part in such despicable activities?!” Bah quickly changed his tone from denial to righteous fury. “I mean, come on! Hospitals?! Shelters?!? COMMUNITY SERVICE?!?!” His passion had become such that we had to end the session early lest he be reunited with his son in the least favorable way possible.

On the bright side, however, Gud’s actions have paved the way for numerous other remorseless criminals to have their previously uncertain fates revealed to them, as twelve prisoners, including painter Oh Y. Mei, street solicitor Vat Z. Hikk, and professional wrestler Wo S. Meai, have recently also been sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole, as Tushus’ cases have proven to be retrospective because of their severity.

“According to the totally reliable Wise Old Sayings database, Benjamin Franklin once said, ‘Justice will not be served until those who are unaffected are as outraged as those who are’”, Recited Lord Trump on Twitter a mere two hours after saluting the hospital as it crumbled, “and I’d say that, after what has happened here, everyone finally knows that the heinous crimes of this hideous heathen and the twelve other horrible, evil, vile terrorists and has reacted in a manner that, like, totally condones this justice. Why do people feel like they gotta go out of their way to try and…” His Lordship took a minute to righteously gag at the thought. “…help others?!”

This, unfortunately, is the question that we are all asking ourselves at this very moment, and how could we not? One of our own fellow citizens has unforgivably committed the despicable sin of altruism and has paid for it with his life.

To make matters worse, in spite of the overwhelming justice that had indeed taken place that day, Tushus, unfortunately, did not receive the punishment he truly deserved: the dreaded death penalty. The officer that arrested Tushus, Mr. Bud Y. Doe, told of the intensely difficult decision to spare his life in the following interview:

We had every intention of ridding the world of such a horrible delinquent and misguiding role model of the people, but after nearly two minutes of excruciatingly rational thought on his part, Lord Trump had dispelled the judgment in favor of having Tushus reform himself into a better person in prison to make up for his mistakes. Such a generous ruler, that one, by the way. Always did have issues expressing his faith in people, though; I remember the way he shouted so passionately to me, "Let 'em rot in prison! Death's too easy on ‘em!" I really do feel sorry for him, 'cause he can't really open up about his true feelings of hope for the runt. But anyway, I, personally, would have been fine with pulling such a nasty weed from this world in its entirety, but I do see where His Lordship is coming from; if he is reformed properly, Tushus could admittedly put his disgusting aggression to good use in many different fields in the world, like serving kitchen duty for the other prisoners, the impromptu wrestling matches at lunchtime, signing license plates, and even plumbing! He'll love it there! Just you wait! Within a day, he will be a changed man!

True to Doe’s word, after Tushus’ court case and incarceration the very next day, he has not shown any atrociously altruistic nor Machiavellianly murderous tendencies, and socializes with the other prisoners in solemn, somber serenity, just like how it should be.

After his first day of prison, a now-apathetic Tushus was interviewed by our reporters. While he simply answered “meh” to nearly all of the questions asked to him, much to our delight, he did have one thing on which he had clearly reflected on since his incarceration, and that he was eager to share out to his fellow citizens, when asked what he had learned from his experience so far in prison. These wonderful thoughts, that we have been waiting to hear for longer than it seems, is transcribed as the following, spoken in the wonderful monotone voice that we had all been anticipated since the beginning of his life in his new home, as if reading from a teleprompter sent from Heaven:

I really do not know what I had been thinking when I donated all that money and blood and organs and stuff to all those charities and hospitals. I was young, I was stupid, and I didn’t know what I was really doing with my life, to be honest. I am a changed man, though, and I can certainly tell you that I would not do any of that stuff at all anymore, not even at gunpoint. Speaking of which, I have apologized to the Booth family for my horrible act of murder in self-defense, and now realize, in full, the gravity of my unforgivable actions. Yes, I now know that it is never okay to take any sort of action for what you believe in, especially if that action is a simple, accidental slaughter of an innocent man to save your life.

This beautiful speech not only touched the hearts of our reporters, but also of every criminal in the prison, who had immediately burst into tears in the name of the desire to one day see themselves having atoned for their sins as well.

Through the tears of having a life saved by the wonderful act of permanent confinement, we all must express our high hopes for young Mr. Tushus, and you may rest easy now and sleep with both eyes closed at night knowing that you are safe and sound with Lord Trump’s justice system on the job!