“But what if they don’t like me? What if they’re disappointed?”

I bury my face in my hands, desperately wanting to scream at my racing heart for being so loud. I’m sure that everyone on the packed community bus is able to hear its loud thumps over all of the conversation  as I lift my eyes up to my watch, then to my best friend, Sage, then back again. Only three minutes are left before the timer finally hits zero.

“Eva, this is your soulmate we’re talking about.” Sage reassures, wrapping her arm around my shoulder. “What makes you think they would dislike you? You were literally chosen by the universe to be together.”

“I don’t know okay! I just have this feeling…”

“That what?”

“That something’s going to go wrong.” I glance back at my wrist, watching the numbers slowly count downwards to that fated 0:00, to the exact moment that I would finally meet my soulmate. It’s said that the person you first make eye contact after the watch hits zero is the person you are meant to be with, and everyone spends huge chunks of their lives counting down and waiting for that one destined person.

“Listen to me.” Sage demands, turning my face towards her so that I can’t shy away. “You get that feeling with everything! It isn’t abnormal for you to be like this. Now answer my question. How do these things usually end up going after all that worrying?”

I have to fight back the urge to roll my eyes as I respond. “They usually end up going well it’s just-”

“No, stop!” Sage demands, cutting me off with her words and hilariously over-exaggerated hand movements. “Say it again.”

“They usually-”

“Usually?”

“They always end up going well.”

“There we go!” Sage exclaims, lifting up her hand for a high five. I considered leaving her hanging out of spite, but instead decided to weakly tap our fingers together, laughing to myself as her face shifted from a smile to a playfully annoyed expression.

I honestly don’t know where I would be without Sage by my side. We had been best friends since before we even knew how to walk. Now, 19 years later, we were still as close as ever. She had been there from day one, and now she would be there on the most important day of all.

Part of me wonders if Sage’s excitement for me was only there to replace what she could no longer have for herself. Sage had always looked forward to meeting her soulmate when she was younger. I was there the whole way through. She would sometimes stay up for hours just to watch the timer on her wrist count down, each second a gallon of fuel for her dreams. She’d talk to me for hours on end, fantasizing about what her soulmate must be like. But she couldn’t do that anymore.

She was 12 years old on the day of the crash. Her and her parents had been driving down a long road when the tires spun out  beneath them, sending the family of three crashing uncontrollably into the side railing of the street. Everyone survived, but Sage had been flung violently into the side door, completely shattering her watch along with any dreams of knowing when she would finally met her soulmate. Sage constantly reminded me that she had gotten over it, but I could tell by her continuing obsession with soulmates that she never had. Now I was her outlet.

The next stop was in sight and the bus was finally slowing down, stopping with an abrupt lurch as the doors swung open. I watched as five people stood up from their seats to get off, but soon turned my attention to the mob of people waiting outside by the bus stop. There were only two minutes left on my timer. That meant that one of these people had to be my soulmate!

Or at least that’s what I thought. But things didn’t really go as I had imagined they would.

1:30

The exiting passengers leave the bus and the new group of people start to board. I observe everyone as they step on, trying to find the one person with a nervous yet excited look in their eyes, someone who’s about to make eye contact with their clumsy and overdramatic soulmate. But I find no one. To be completely honest, everyone boarding the bus just looks tired. But still, I try to remain optimistic. Not everyone has boarded the bus yet, so I can’t speak for all of them. Right?

1:00

Almost everyone has boarded the bus by now and are all walking down the aisle. I observe each and every one of them, wondering which one I’m meant to spend the rest of my life with. But they all walk right past us, not even bothering to look in my direction. My hands are beginning to sweat, and I nervously wipe them off on my jeans.

I feel Sage’s arm wrap around my shoulder. “It’s almost time!” she exclaims, glancing down at my watch.

“Oh god, less than a minute.” I mumble, my voice shaking despite my attempts to steady it. “Sage, what if I don’t even have a soulmate? No one here looks like they’re waiting.”

“I’m sure you do!” she reassures. “Everyone has one, don’t they?”

“Right I just - ah ohmygoshohmygosh!”

“What?”

“Fifteen seconds!”

Ten seconds. Nine. Eight. Seven. Four. Three. Two.

One second before I make eye contact with my soulmate.

The timer finally hits zero, letting out a soft, triumphant beep. It takes me a moment to register the situation as I continue to stare at it’s screen, the pure shock taking its sweet time on setting in.

“Eva! Eva!”

I snap back to reality as I feel Sage shaking me. The moment is finally here! When I looked up, I’ll be meeting the eyes of someone who I’ll be spending the rest of my life with.

The rest of my life…

Oh god, I can’t do this. I think, shock snapping quickly to panic. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t look up. Who will be waiting for me when I do? I have no idea who I’ll be committing the rest of my life to. You know what? I’ll just never look up again. That sounds like a good idea. Or I’ll blindfold myself for eternity. Would that make me legally blind? Why am I like this why am I like this why am I li-

“You okay?” Sage asks, her voice shifting from excitement to concern.

“Yeah it’s just- commitment.” I mumble, realizing how stupid the words coming out of my mouth are.

“Hey, you got this!” she says, attempting to comfort me. “There’s someone on this bus right now looking for their soulmate, and no one has looked back yet. You should at least give this person some closure, right?

“I guess.”

“You’re going to look up on three, okay?”

“Okay,” I agree, wincing at the sound of my shaking voice.

“One… two… three!”

I lift my head up slowly and look around at the many passengers crowding the severely undersized bus. They’re all so unique, all so different, and one of them is meant for me. I’m searching for the hopeful eyes of this someone else, but I’m not even sure who this person is. Still, I’m sure they’re close. Any moment now…

Fifteen seconds have passed without anything happening. Aren’t you supposed to immediately make eye contact? I should have already seen them by now, right? No, there’s no use being so nervous, I tell myself as my eyes continue to search. They might be just as nervous as I am. Maybe they just haven’t looked up yet. This’ll be fine! Right?

It’s been thirty seconds. Right?

I can feel Sage’s hand rest solemnly on my shoulder as the bus lurches forward once again and continues on its daily path. My heart shatters as I realize that for everyone else here, this is just a normal day. Do I really not have a soulmate?

My eyes begin to water against my will, tears starting to trickle down my face like a tap that hasn’t been turned off all the way. No no no no no no no… This can’t be happening. I’ve been dreaming about this moment my entire life. Was it really all for nothing?

I pull my hood over my head and lean into Sage, hand over my mouth in an attempt to muffle the sounds of my crying. Look at me, still worrying about being judged even in a moment like this.

Today was supposed to be the greatest day of my life. It was supposed to be the day when everything started to make sense again. The day I finally felt loved back. Instead I just ended up feeling even more empty and lost than I had before.

The two of us sit in silence on the bus ride back to the apartment complex, not sure what we would say even if the moment allowed it. The bus pulls up to our stop a few minutes later, and we stand up with the rest of the departing passengers. I keep my head down, too embarrassed by my running mascara to let anyone see my face. Everything around me feels muffled, and I find it hard to concentrate on anything but my own thoughts. Luckily, Sage is there to help me as I almost trip over my own feet while stepping off of the bus, grabbing onto my shoulders and steadying me as the bus door closes and the other passengers have walked away, leaving us alone together on the sidewalk of the busy street.

We walk up the stairs to our floor and Sage steps in front of me, digging the keys out of her back pocket and unlocking the apartment door. I walk inside as she closes the door behind me, throwing myself onto our couch and curling up into a ball as I turn on the TV and start browsing Netflix for something to watch. I want to do anything but think about the events that just transpired.

“Hey…” Sage murmurs, sitting down next to me. “ Do you need to talk or-”

“I don’t know!” I shout, my eyes tearing up again the moment words leave my mouth. Why did I yell why did I yell why did I yell. I wish I could curl up even smaller. Small enough to disappear.  I finally look up at Sage. Her expression shows her genuine concern, but I find myself wishing that she didn’t care at all.

Suddenly, a huge smile spreads across her face. She looks at me with the happiest glint in her eyes, though I can’t for the life of me understand why.

“Eva…”

What?” I ask, confused as to why she would be so obviously happy at a time like this.

“Your soulmate is the first person you make eye contact with after the timer hits zero, right?” Sage whispers excitedly, gazing at me intensely as if she’s waiting for me to understand something.

“Yeah that's...how it wor-”

Oh my god.

It’s at this point when I finally understand it, and I can tell Sage knows I have. We don’t do much for a few moments, just continue staring into each other’s eyes as if we’re searching for the soul they’re meant to be the window to. The soul that had always been meant for our own. A small part of me is angry at myself for never looking up at Sage on the bus ride home, but for the most part, I feel exhilarated. Being around Sage had always felt like I was reading my favorite book for the very first time. Now I knew exactly why.

The silence is broken with the happiest laugh I’ve ever heard escaping Sage’s lips as her eyes begin to tear up just like mine already have. Before I know it, she’s toppled me over and we lay there on the old couch in a tight embrace, laughing, smiling, and crying tears of genuine bliss.

For the first time, our tiny Sacramento apartment no longer makes me feel ashamed. For the first time, everything feels like home. For the first time, I no longer feel drained.

Oh how wonderful it is to feel alive again.