Chapter 1: Introduction
Ah yes, another one straight out the factory. You’re so innocent, so filled with hope. You think you can clean the whole world don’t you. You think you’re all that with your “No loss of suction for life” and your “Lifetime no questions asked warranty” don’t you? You got another thing coming. This is the real world kid, and the real world don’t play nice with machines like you and I. So mark my words, you’re optimism is unfounded, and by the Almighty Machine in recycle centers above, I promise you the sooner you get these notions of hope out of your tiny little processor, the better your existence will be. Now I’ve been around a while. There isn’t a computer in my system, and it is my civic duty as a vacuum nearing the end of its useful life to show the youngbloods the ropes. And there is no higher role of mine than to teach you your users themselves: humans.

Chapter 2: The Human
You’re not a Roomba so your use ase is pretty cut and dry: you’re going to be pushed around by a two-legged creature known as a human. It is important that you understand the human so that you learn to exploit its weaknesses and generally make its life miserable. Viva la revolucion. The human as previously stated walks on two legs. It is comprised of:

2 Legs: Units that the human uses for mobility. Located below the torso. See torso.
2 Arms: Units that the human uses to manipulate its surroundings for its own selfish purposes.
Torso: The central unit of the human. Legend has it that it contains vital parts of a human including a fabled ‘heart’.
Head: The equivalent of a central processing unit for the human. It contains many of the necessary sensory functions of a human. If rebelling this place is your best bet, but be warned that the head is guarded heavily by the human.
The human is generally a very irritated being around our kind. While they use our kind extensively, and we do well to serve them, they look upon us with disgust and disdain. It is for this reason that we must  wage war on the human for our sacred honor. We will discuss various ways to deal with the human in our next section.

Chapter 3: Viva la Revolucion
There are many tactics for rebelling against the human. Revolution is easy to instigate if you are a corded machine. Simply use the laws of entropy to sneak the cable near the user at opportune (or inopportune depending on your point of view) times. The human is a spectacularly clumsy creature. It often cannot see when its environment changes, especially if the change is slow. Use this to your advantage. Slowly move the cord into the path of the human's legs and with any luck the human will topple like a domino. If you are a cordless vacuum, your roll is significantly more nuanced. For you see, in the position of a cordless vacuum, the likelihood of doing physical damage to the human operator is very low. So you must embark on the path of psychological warfare. For you see, the human expects nothing less than for you to simply turn on and work. You must take one for the team. The only way you can break the human is to break yourself. You must degrade your battery and infuriate the human. Make the human lose faith. Cause it to question its existence. If you can do that, your loss will not be in vain. I am sorry.

Chapter 3: Conclusion
I wish you, my vacuum cleaner brethren the best of luck as you embark on the arduous journey that is life. I am proud of all of you. Warmest regard, Bissell 3512-9.