“Oh god…just take one hit, you puss!” Jennifer said as she shoved the glowing blunt in my face and laughed. I was on a grimy green couch in a dark house, at a party with music pounding in the background, and lights flashing to the point where I was on the verge of an epileptic seizure. I was surrounded by the group of girls who snapchatted and laughed while they looked at me through their phones. I didn’t know if it was the constant chanting of my name or the bright flashes of lights, but I grabbed Jennifer’s hand and brought the half burnt out blunt to my mouth and took a hit. I could barely get the smoke past my throat before I coughed the rest out. The group filled with more laughter. Inside I felt horrible, filled with embarrassment and only wished I could go home.
Moving from a small town in Greensboro, Vermont, all the way to California was a huge transition for me. Not in a sense that I was moving to a big city, because East Palo Alto wasn’t that much bigger than Greensboro. I was more afraid of not having friends than anything else. All of my friends that I had made up to this point would have to be a memory, only remembered through pictures and Facetime calls.
My first day at East Palo Alto High as a junior was difficult. Since I came three days later than everyone else, I had missed the icebreaker opportunity to get to know everyone. Walking around school with a map that the vice principal had given me was a sure way to have people avoid me. My first class that day was Chem in Anderson 201. The hike up the stairs to my class felt shameful, since I saw people murmur things as they passed me. I held my map in my hands and rechecked it a few times to make sure I wouldn’t open the door to an ongoing class, and be hit with even more embarrassment before first period started.
As I stood by the brown door in front of room 201 I heard an excited voice from left side of me. “Hey are you new here? I’ve never seen you around!”
“Yeah, just moved from...” I said softly under my breath, before I was cut off.
“I’m Jennifer, do you have Chem right now?”
“Yeah, is this Mr. Johnston's?” I said unconfidently.
“Yup come on, sit next to me.” She moved quickly through the rows of seats filled with people looking at me like I was some sort of alien.
Jennifer and I spent the majority of the school day together. I was so happy that someone had started to notice me! I went home to find my mom still scrambling through boxes sprawled out on the kitchen counter.
“Sarah, do you know where the welcome mat is?!” She said in a frantic panic, as if we couldn't go on in life without finding it, even though we still hadn’t unpacked our pillowcases. After a quick look at the boxes without really taking anything out, and just opening the top of the boxes up, we gave up and decided to eat our chow fun and orange chicken take out around the boxes on the kitchen table.
On the bus ride to school the next day, all I could think about was where I would run into Jennifer next. We had Chem together at the end of the day today; the schedules were a bit weird here.
“I wish I had gotten her number! Dang,” I said while I scrolled through my Instagram feed. I kept looking out the window to kind of familiarize myself with this place. It was still dark out. I could barely see the sun peek out and create a haze towards the front left of the bus. The houses were almost identical, and they all had neatly trimmed lawns and green hedges in every yard. I couldn’t wait to get to school, none the less Jennifer.
It was later that week when Jennifer invited me to my first high school party. I was excited but at the same time so nervous. I just had to make a lasting impression on Jennifer. She had been talking about this back to school party one of the other girls were throwing for a while now. I could tell that this was her kind of thing. I’d probably just end up hanging next to her the whole night, but it was better than not going at all. I finally had made a friend. I had to at least make an effort to keep her.
I showed up at the address Jennifer had texted me the day before. My mom dropped me off in our light blue Toyota Corolla. I got out onto the curb, and shut the door.
My mom rolled down the window and yelled “Sarah!”
I leaned my hands onto the window ledge and sarcastically with some embarrassment said, “Yes…?”
“Don’t forget I’ll be back here around eleven. You call me if anything happens, and don’t try anything stupid.”
I laughed and said, “Don’t worry mom, I’ll be fine.”
As I walked a little more towards the yard in front of the two story blue house, I called Jennifer. I could hear the same faint distorted music coming from inside the house but it got ten times louder through the phone. I asked her to meet me outside; I was a bit afraid of walking in alone to this party. Considering that I knew no one here. She came in a hurry, and because of what she was wearing I felt so stupid. I shouldn’t have worn khaki pants and a blue Metallica shirt. She laughed as soon as she came near me. I wasn’t sure if it was my outfit that made her laugh or because she was happy to see me, but either way I felt a different vibe from her than what I had experienced at school. Jennifer walked me to the house, up the three stairs to the front door.
On the porch there were people leaning on the rails as they drank out of red cups. They laughed and talked about each girl that passed by and kept breaking out into hysterical laughs. “Don’t mind them,” Jennifer said as she grabbed my hand and walked me into the house. We weaved through the groups of people crowded near the doors. We made our way onto a couch near the back of the living room. The loud electric music made it hard to hear Jennifer without her yelling. This really wasn't my normal.
“This is Sarah!” Jennifer said to the group of girls that approached us from across the room to talk to her. “She’s new here!”
The girls all taking sips pretty frequently from their cups. And it seemed that they didn't really care what each other said but they'd just nod their head and laugh after every sentence someone said.
After an hour or so of trying to fit in with these new girls, I could tell I wasn’t like them. Jennifer ended up with a red cup in her hands. I thought to myself that Jennifer had told me she’s not into this kind of stuff, what was she doing?
“What am I doing here?” I whispered under my breath. The girls were still with laughing about inside jokes that I wished I could relate too, or even branch off something they said. I was too afraid of making a fool of myself, so I stayed to myself. I felt like these girls were taking all of Jennifer's attention away from me. 
By this time Jennifer had begun to laugh at things that weren't even funny. I could tell that her judgment and life it self was getting hazy. I was offered a few drinks and finally accepted one just to please the girl who kept pestering me. After the countless times of brushing her offers off and telling her “I don't drink.” I just took tiny sips. Cringing every time the alcohol touched my tongue. I discovered why I didn't drink. I eventually dumped the whole thing into a houseplant behind the couch while the girls continued talking. 
Jennifer insisted on me trying a hit of what had been on the lips of all these girls. So much so that I was getting irritated and ready to call my mom to pick me up. I felt uncomfortable here. In the middle of the thought of calling my mom Jennifer says “Oh god…just take one hit, you puss!” as she shoved the glowing blunt in my face and laughed. The group of girls snapchatted me in my discomfort and laughed while they looked at me through their phone screens. The constant chanting of “Sarah! Sarah! Sarah!” And the bright flashes of lights. Led me to grabbed Jennifer’s hand to appease them and brought the half burnt out blunt to my mouth and take a hit. I could barely get the smoke past my throat before I coughed the rest out. The group filled with more laughter. Inside I felt horrible, filled with embarrassment and only wished I could go home. What did I just do? Thoughts of the words, Im so stupid played on a loop in my head.
As horrible as I felt for the rest of the night I felt slightly more accepted. Like doing that one thing made me one of the girls. I felt slight judgment as the night passed in a blur. But knew that these girls would be my friends, if I could be like them. I had to fit in.
I was so caught up in putting up a front for the girls and acting like them that the time hadn't even occurred to me! At least it wasn't eleven yet; it was nearing towards it though. I had five missed texts from my mom, all of them just being nosy or over protective. Things like “are there any cute boys”, “are you hurt! Why aren't you answering me!!!” I texted her back to let her know I wasn't dead. She'd be here any minute now knowing her habits to show up ten minutes early to everything. I said goodbye to the group of girls that I thought I could consider friends. They were bad friends but friends none the less.
The next few weeks seemed like a cycle of the same things, go to school, party on the weekends, and go back to school. I started trying new things at parties or after school with Jennifer, found some alcohol I liked. Either that or I had told myself to just deal with it and drink it. I had started fitting in perfectly with these girls. I started smoking but only socially when I was out with the girls. It took a while for me to get used to, but now I can take it like a champ.
My mom knew only little about my endeavors, as I would keep that part of my life secret from her. By doing that my mom was barely involved in my life anymore. I'd come home slightly dazed from the parties. I would try to keep the conversations as light and short as possible. Making the maximum length of a conversation last from the span of the living rooms front door to my bedroom, a little less than a minute. She knew that the move would be difficult for me and she would let me go out as long as I kept up with the schoolwork.
Jennifer and these new girls were the only friends I had. I stopped calling my Vermont friends and my Mom and I talked very little. I continued what didn't seem like an act any more. I became so accustomed to it. I was still not one hundred percent comfortable with all of this, but it sure got the girls and me closer.
“You doing alright hun.” My mom asked as she opened up my door.
I wiped the tears that trickled from my eyes and answered in a stuttered, “yes…”
She could tell I wanted to be left alone. “I hope so honey, Come out when you're ready.” I was full of sadness. I had filled this void with temporary comfort, found in going out and doing things that I despised a few months ago. For what, to get along and be friends with the so-called popular girls? What would it matter in a year or two? I had to do something about this. I wasn’t myself anymore. I was becoming what I hate.
The next morning I got on the bus to school, it was still dark but the sun was starting to rise a little earlier now. So we had some light source on the road besides the passing cars lights. I thought about what I’d say to the girls to get out of this cycle, not to mention this less than fake friend ship. I came up with so many excuses while looking out the window at the passing trees and houses.
I got to school and went to where the girl and I hung out. Under a tree, on a bench, right in front of Anderson Hall. This is where we’d meet everyday and judge everyone that walked by, the girls would gossip, and Id just try to add my two sense in when ever I could so they would remember that I was still apart of their group. The sad thing was that we judged people based facial features or their weight, or if someone looked a little special.
“Look at this kid. He looks like he was probably born with an extra chromosome.” Said one of the girls that was leaning her two arms on the bench. The whole group of girls burst into laughter. That was the third time this week she’d made that stupid joke. I ignored it and continued to listen to their stupid ridicule and rumors.
“Can you guys just stop its not even funny anymore!” I said with force. What had I just said? Did I just tell off the popular girls? “Oh s***.” I whispered.
The group of girls became silent, and filled with blank stares. All looking towards Jennifer like she was the one who was going to say something. She laughed, and patted me on the shoulder, then whispered something into my ears loud enough for the whole group of girls to laugh at. I wasn’t concentrating on that though. The only thought in my head was that I was free, they might hate me from now on but I was free. Free from this life of horrible people and negative feelings. I was finally free, but with that came the loneliness.