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Scars of the Tiger
He sat bolt upright, instinctively reaching for his throat. Gasping he looked around the room trying to push away the nightmare’s haunting images that kept replaying before his eyes. The night’s air cooled the sweat that oozed from his skin’s pores, as he pushed down the fear balled up in his throat and stomach. His blazing blues eyes grew wide as he rubbed his neck and found it missing. The animal tendon that he used as a string to hold the fang of the dead mountain lion that had raised him was gone.
Immediately he stood, fear flashing in his eyes as he scoured the dark room. Moonlight caught on something and flickered. Looking closer he thought was Misty’s calm motherly green cat eyes. Then they morphed into angry, evil, starving, unforgiving amber eyes; the wall in front of him flashed orange and black stripes, and then flicked to the sharp deadly claws and teeth of the tiger that tried to kill him a few years ago. Shaking, he fell back on his butt, his hand landing on Misty’s tooth. Sighing a shaky relief he tied it around his neck and walked over to the bathroom, dust particles mockingly dancing in the moon’s silver glow.
Turning on the light and slightly closing the door, he pulled off his shirt and turned his back to the mirror. Looking over his shoulder he used the mirror to trace the scars. Ignoring the other little faint scars, he studied the four long jagged white scars that ran down his tan muscular back. Wincing at remembered pain, he sighed and put his shirt back on. That tiger had been haunting his dreams at least once a week for years.
Tuning on the faucet he stuck his head under the icy cold water. He gave a shaky breath still trying to shake off the flash backs. Slowly he added warmth to the water till it was soothingly hot. Smiling to himself he remembered how Misty would lick the back of his hair the wrong way after he had had a nightmare to sooth him. Though a cat, she had been a better mother than his real mom or any of his foster care moms.
“Jack?” a voice asked from the doorway. Jack stood, hitting his head on the sink on the way up. He stood there, his black hair soaked and dripping, looking at the voice’s owner: a sleepy Taylor who looked like thunder had awaken him even though there was no storm. “You ok?” The scrawny blonde haired brown eyed boy asked.
“Ya. I’m fine.” Jack replied thinking about how Taylor had escaped his kidnappers and now with Jack’s help was heading home.
“But, what about those scars?” He persisted
“Um … they’re nothing and I really don’t want to talk about it right now.”
“I’m going to find out sooner or later and you know it.” The 15 year-old said growing in confidence against 18 year-old Jack.
“Well I’d rather you find out later than sooner,” Jack growled throwing in a bit of a snarl so he would stop arguing. “Now get your butt back to bed.”
Taylor left and got into his bed. Jack shook his wet head and turned off the water. He knew the kid was right. At some point they were going to run into one of the few people who knew. Then the beans would be spilled. Crawling into his sleeping bag on the floor he was tempted to just leave, to just run from the past that this adventure was putting on the path ahead of them. I have a job to do and I can’t leave Taylor to fend for himself, Jack thought as he drifted off to sleep. He wouldn’t stand a chance against the vicious killers from my past that are after him, he’d be torn apart like a rabbit in a pack of dogs.
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This article has 49 comments.
Before I say anything, let me say I really like your writing style, as well as this story. It was unique and interesting, and I really enjoyed it.
Okay, now I have to admit I was slightly confused. I'm not certain I can tell where exactly Jack is while this scene is taking place. And I also noticed that there seems to be a lot of commas missing where there should be some. Specifically when you are describing something, such as a character's appearance or something similar. Anything with adjectives needs to have commas to seperate them.
But overall, this was a very descriptive and well written piece, and I definitely enjoyed the detail and, of course, the story itself. Keep writing!
First of all, I like your story quite a lot!
Now for details. First paragraph, sentence 4: "His blazing blue eyes grew wide as he rubbed his neck and found it missing." His neck was missing? Oh, really, now? Haha. Careful with that. Make it very clear that the thing that is missing is the necklace, not his neck.
Also, I noticed that you mentioned to someone else that the beginning stuff is old. Did you edit and revise? Those are the two most important steps of the writing process. I get really worried when a writer isn't revising, since the best work you can write happens after revision. For your sake, I hope you do revise. :)
I like the bits of descriptions you do have. If you can do more with that, it could be so much better. Where is Jack, specifically? Also, tiny little details of human behavios were slightly overlooked. How does Jack handle talking about his scars, even in passing? Does he tense up, or does he just play it off cool? When Taylor gets told off, does he hesitate before leaving, does he leave meekly, or what? Tiny, tiny details give a reader a bit of insight into a character's personality. With a short story, you need to give the reader as many tiny details as you can in a short space of time, or they won't be able to identify with your characters. Does that make sense?
Commas! Use them! Paragraph 4, sentence 5: "The scrawny, blonde-haired, brown-eyed boy..." Commas are description's friend. If you use several adjectives in a row, split them with a comma. Also, if you're going to do one of these: "The 15-year-old said growing in confidence..." Then there should be a comma after "said" because it is your main verb and should be split from your other verb. :)
Overall, good work. The story is intriguing, and I would love to read more of it!! :)
This was really good! You created a lot of suspense and a very interesting topic! There was so much description though it was a bit overpowering. Also try giving us a little more of a peek into the main characters thoughts and give him a bit more personality, accentuate his characteristics.
Very good piece.
Write more !
I love how you keep it mysterious by giving no background , but it's killing me :(
You are a great writer , use that to your advantage !
