I stopped walking at the beginning of Pearl and Oak Street, red and orange flames burned through my vision, smoke circled through the windows and out the front door. “NO!” I screamed, “FUCK!” I dropped the bag of scotch and chips and ran to my babies. The smoke filled my lungs before I could decide who to save first. They were all upstairs in the corner bedroom. I took my baseball cap and put it over my nose and mouth, it only made my need for air worse.“Sebastian!” I screamed, muffled, “Clover, Elliot!” I made it halfway up the stairs when someone grabbed me.

“Get off of me!” I screamed, “Please! Save my children! Sebastian! Clover! Elliot!”

But I was dragged out before I could save them.

“Calm down sir,” the paramedic said, “I need to give you oxygen.” He put the oxygen mask to my mouth. I thrashed and screamed and kicked and cried.

My kids and my wife, they were still in the house. I sat and begged for someone to pull them out, all of them. Julia, my wife was finally pulled out. She was hung unconscious over the fireman’s back.

I ran over to her, “Julia!”, I cried.“She passed out, we need to get her stabilized”, the paramedic said while the fireman laid her down on the gurney and the paramedic strapped her down with an oxygen mask.

“My kids are sleeping on the second floor, please save them” I said.

Just then Sebastian’s window exploded with flames. Wood and glass rained down the side of the house. Three more fireman ran out with no bodies. “No!” I ran to the door to save them, but the firemen ran after me and grabbed me holding my arms and forcing me away from the house.

“No, oh my god, oh my fucking god I killed them.” I sunk to the ground with tears streaming down my face and watched my house burn to the ground. I couldn’t breathe, I felt like I was choking on the stomach in my throat. I knew julia only made it out because we slept on the first floor. My kids all slept upstairs and no one could get to them. I killed them. It was my fault.

Just two hours earlier I was safe inside with my kids asleep and my wife reading in bed. I sat in the living room, sipping on the last of six beers I had just chugged down. The alcohol made me feel nice and warm on my insides. I went to the back porch and grabbed four logs from the bed of wood I had piled up during the summer. It was winter now, and our house was cold enough for me to be wearing a down jacket and two layers of socks. The alcohol made me feel warm but I threw the logs in the fireplace and added paper and kindling. I sat and watched the fire crackle and jump. Flames of blue, orange, yellow and red grew in my eyes.

I went to the refrigerator to grab another beer, I realized I had already drank the last one. I could feel my nerves tingle as I craved something stronger to get me through the night. My stomach dropped as I thought about getting fired the day before, I hadn’t told my wife, because I knew it would kill her to know that I had lost everything. She would have left me if I told her I spent half the money in our savings account on my secret gambling problem. She hated my addictions, so I always did my best to hide them from her.

Drunk, I decided to leave the fire going and walk to the grocery store five blocks down Pearl street. I picked up a bottle of Evan Williams and salt and vinegar chips. I sipped my bottle on the way back, only making me feel lighter on my feet and making me mouth go numb. I sipped it so I could forget, so I could stop feeling so pathetic about myself. I didn’t deserve my family when I couldn’t even provide for them. Turning the corner, I faced the flames.

I sat in the waiting room to hear the news about Julia. I didn’t feel like myself anymore, everything I had loved vanished me in a matter of minutes. The need to throw-up remained as my mind was consumed of the fire burning down my house and taking my children with it.

A man in scrubs walked out of a room and looked at his clipboard, “Jack Sanders?” he called.

I took a deep breath  and stood up, “I’m Jack.”

He walked over to me and took another look at his clipboard. “Your wife is awake and in good condition. She has a broken rib from falling down the stairs when she passed out. Make sure she rests for at least two weeks before any sort of activeness.”

“Okay thanks”, I said and went to her room.

I opened the door and Immediately felt sick to my stomach. I didn’t know how to tell her our kids were gone forever, it didn’t feel real. I walked to the end of her bed, her head was turned away but she looked at me once she heard the door open.

“Jack, what happened?” she said.

I took a deep breath and walked to the end of her bed.

“I’m so sorry, it’s all my fault,” I began to cry.

“What do you mean?” She said, “Where are the kids?”

I put my head down in shame and began to think of my poor children trying to escape the fire that I had created. “They didn’t make it out of the fire”, I said and covered my face with my hands, sobbing into them.

“No, that can’t be true, you’re lying. My babies, oh my god, my sweet baby's.”

julia screamed and cried. I went to the head of the bed to try and hold her but she just threw me off of her.

“Jack, what did you do? What did you do?” she screamed at me and her body began to shake. Her face was bright red and covered in snot and tears, I was terrified of this moment.

“It was cold, I made up the fire and must have forgotten to put the screen over it so no logs would fall out. I’m so sorry, I was drinking…”. I tried to reach for her hand but she pulled it away.

“No, Jack, no. You need to leave, I want you gone.” She said and continued to sob.

“Julia please”, I begged, “I…” There was nothing left to say Julia only saw me as a monster now, I saw myself as a monster.

“Okay”, I said. i pulled myself to the end of the bed and slowly walked out of the room, I was gone.