A breeze rocks the hammock in which I lay in, disturbing the calm that had fallen over the backyard. The comforting light of the house is interrupted by dancing shadows, wisps of what once was. The stars above pass with memories of what could have been, fading into the void, only for both to be seen hours later. The moon creates a spotlight, displaying the flaws I try to keep hidden from the world. The shadows from the house begin to creep closer, stretching to reach the cocoon I built myself. The warmth of the blankets is ripped away when a shadowy hand grips my arm. Darkness seeps into my skin, turning my body into nothing, destroying what I thought I was. Whispers fill the silence, and words dig holes into my decaying soul, making room for their lies. I scream, hoping someone will hear me breaking and come running. No one hears me, no one sees me, no one, no one, no one. I am alone under the fading stars as they watch my withering form, gawking as the darkness finally buries itself into me. I am thrown into a never-ending sea, the dark vacuum swallows me whole and I do not see an anchor in the turning water. 

I blink out the haze. I focus on what the coach is telling us. Her kind eyes meet mine and I wish she would stop looking at me. Stop looking for worth in someone worthless. She has known me for four months and already treats me like part of the team. She has taken it upon herself to nickname me, Ads. She makes me feel like I can be more than what everyone else has said in the past. I focus on something instead of her eyes. She needs to stop. She needs to let me drown in the guilt I have for leaving. 

When she is done explaining the assignment one of the girls turns to me and asks to be my partner. I know she only asks because the coach told her to do so. No one would want to be partnered with the gym-jumper. Ignoring what the others say and hoping they don’t look my way, I nod and make my way to the chalk box. The two of us work well together. She can counteract my weakness during the event and I help her overcome some of her fears. My partner continues to smile at me and a tiny piece of my soul glows at the action that is directed towards something I did. I try to snuff it out, there is no use being friendly when all they see is a traitor. 

When practice ends, I find the whole team around me. All are staring at me expectantly. I don’t know what they want, but I hope they can stop because I can’t handle their beady gazes. The girl I was partnered with counts down and they begin to sing happy birthday. Their voices crack and for a moment it sounds like nails on a chalkboard. I find myself smiling, nevertheless, and I feel some of the resentment dissipate with their voices. 

My new teammates shield me from the turning waves and I am reminded of a time before the stars and I were separated. When I could shine as bright as I wanted without the scrutiny of others. I look at every starry-eyed teammate and find only comfort. Finally, I feel myself in the sea of stars and hope one day I will be enough to shine in the sky again.