It has been five days since the meeting. I have been watching my phone 24/7 for the past week just waiting for a message from Columbia. It has been very stressful. Everytime my phone rings, I quickly check it in case it is them just to be disappointed when I see it is an email or a text related to my current job.
I currently work as a tattoo artist. I own a small tattoo shop named Devil’s Ink. It is pretty well known so I make some decent money. I have had that shop for about 3 years. I got it when I was 22 years old.
I have always liked tattoos. I have about 50 myself, a couple on my torso and an arm full of simple tattoos. I have a few on my shoulders as well. Two of my good friends work there with me, Pauli and Morgan.

I get out of the shower and check for any new notifications on my phone. Only to be disappointed when all I find is a message from Morgan asking where the spare boxes of gloves are.
I check the time and realize it is 7:03 am. I am supposed to meet up with Cleo at 8 today. She told me we should try out a new cafe near her apartment that opened a couple of weeks ago called Beachwood Cafe.
I throw on a plain black shirt with some black jeans and put a red flannel over my shirt. I walk into the bathroom and fix my brown hair and fluff it out. I pick up my contacts from the bathroom counter and put them on.
I can still see without them but it is a little harder and have to squint a lot.
I have clear ones since I like my eye color. They are kind of like an emerald green. I don’t know. I like them though.
I walk to the front door and put on some brown Chelsea boots.
Once I have them on, I quickly walk to my car. It is kind of a struggle for me to get in since it is a low car. The fact that I am 6 feet tall doesn’t help either.
When I arrive at the cafe, I see Cleo already sitting down at a table. I walk up to her and greet her. “Hi Love.”
“Hi Alex,” she says, smiling.
Just as I am sitting down, a young girl wearing some sort of uniform walks up to us.
“Hi, welcome! Are you guys ready to order?”
She seems to have a bubbly personality. I smile and nod.
“What can I get you two beautiful people?”
Cleo orders a cup of black coffee and a plate of pancakes.
I order a chocolate milkshake and their special which is eggs, pancakes, and bacon.
After we finish eating, we get up from our chairs and start walking out.
Last week I asked Cleo to move in with me. She said she has a lot happening with work and is really busy so she would tell me this week. I’m still waiting on an answer. I really hope she agrees.
I also went to the jewelry store and finally found the perfect ring. The truth is, I have been carrying the ring with me whenever I am with Cleo in case I just decide to propose. I think today is the day. Just that thought gets me all nervous.
“Alex?” She says with a confused expression.
“Hm?”
“Are you okay? You seem distracted.”
“Yeah I’m okay.”
She looks unconvinced. “Okay,” she says quietly, turning her head to look forward.
As we are walking up the street I decide this is it. I am finally going to ask her to be my wife. I push away all of my nervousness and stop us from walking any further.
Okay, before you continue reading, I have to address something. I know what you are thinking. “Isn’t it a little weird to propose in front of a cafe?” And yes, I agree, but I am just so desperate. She is the love of my life and I want to be able to call her my wife already. My excitement about having the ring doesn't help with my desperateness either.
She turns to look at me with a confused look on her face.
“Cleo, I have to ask you something.”
I am about to get down on one knee when she stops me.
“Wait, I have to tell you something first,” she says.
I nod, giving her a sign to continue.
“I have been feeling like this for a while now and I am starting to feel guilty for not telling you.”
I stare at her confused.
She continues.
“You have just been really busy lately and you never have time for me. I also get the feeling that you are keeping something from me. What I am trying to say is that I don’t think this relationship is going to work out.”
My heart immediately stops. I feel like my life just came crashing down on me in just a matter of seconds.
“What?” I say. “What do you mean?”
She looks at me with a sad look on her face trying not to cry. “I mean that, you just don’t have time for me anymore. We used to be together almost everyday and now it’s only a couple of times a week. I also want to be in a relationship where there is honesty and where my partner does not keep things from me.”
I just stay silent now feeling tears in the corner of my eyes. “I’m sorry, Love. I know I have been busy, but I will make time for you, I promise. I’m sorry you have been feeling this way, but we can work this out.”
“No Alex,” she says. “I don’t think we can work this out anymore.”
My heart sinks even more. “Y-yes we can” —I swallow hard, reaching to grab both of her hands— “We can work this out. I love you and I would do anything for you. If spending more time with you makes you feel better, I will gladly do that. We have been dating for over two years. We have had our ups and downs, but we have worked through them.” I say now with tears falling down my cheeks.
“No. We can’t, Alex. There is something else I have to tell you” she says with tears falling down her face as well.
I just stare at her. She takes it as a sign to continue.
“This is really hard for me to say because I know you won’t take it lightly, but…” She seems to struggle trying to find a way to say what she has to say next. “The reason why I don’t want to move in with you is because,” She pauses. “I… I don’t love you like I used to anymore.”
I freeze. I feel like I have just been punched in the stomach multiple times. It feels like the world stopped the second those words left her mouth.
Did I hear her correctly? Does she mean what she just said?
My heart feels completely shattered at this point and I feel numb. I stare at her blankly not knowing what to say.
“W-what?” I ask, my eyebrows furrowing.
“I’m sorry Alex, but it’s the truth and I don’t want to lead you on and make you believe that I love you when I don’t anymore,” she says, letting go of my hands.
“No Cleo, please” —I reach towards her hand, but she pulls back— “we can fix this. Tell me what can I do to fix this. Please. Just…please don’t leave” I say, my voice breaking at the end.
She slowly walks backwards, not saying a word.
“Please Cleo…don’t leave. I destroy myself just for you.” I say quietly, almost a whisper.
She keeps walking away from me, now shaking her head with bloodshot eyes. “I’m sorry, Alex.”
And with that, she turns away and continues to walk without looking back. Not even a last “goodbye” or “I love you.”
Leaving me standing alone, in front of a cafe, silently crying with people now watching me with a look of pity and surprise on their faces.
I don’t move as I watch her walk away, wondering and hoping that this is all a dream. A really bad dream.
Just then, my phone rings. I wait a minute before slowly pulling it out of my pocket.
A message.
“Hi Alex! We have finally made a decision! We have decided to sign you! We will text you later today to schedule another meeting. We can’t wait to continue to work with you! -Colombia Records.”

4 months later…
These last couple of months have not been easy. I feel so alone and my heart feels like it is missing a piece. I can’t remember the last time I felt happy. I lay in tears in bed all night, alone without her warmth by my side. Without her arms wrapping around me and her calming words when I’m sad.
I started drinking, and to be honest, I don’t know half of what I’m thinking. Sometimes I get scared that drinking will be the cause of my death and send me into cardiac arrest, but I don’t stop.
Now that I think about it, that does not sound too bad. The pain and all my sadness will be gone. Permanently.
I feel so tired. I feel… like I’m falling apart, like I’m starting to lose who I am.
My best friend, Mitch, is always inviting me to do fun things to get her off my mind, but I always decline.
“Come on, Alex” Mitch groans, throwing his head back, “I’m trying to get her off your mind. You have been like this for the past four months.”
“I know,” I say, “but I just can’t. I don’t feel like going out and I don’t think going to the arcade will make me feel better.”
He puts his hands on his hips and heavily sighs. “Drinking won’t either.” He shakes his head slowly as he looks into my eyes.
“It does… for a while.”
Yeah, I messed up and told him about my drinking problem. Now he’s always trying to get me to quit and distract me, which I appreciate.
Pauli introduced me to Mitch a while back. He is the lead guitarist in my band now. He also has long hair which suits him well. The other guitarist couldn’t make it the first day of recording, so Pauli called him and he accepted the job.
I have become good friends with everyone in my band now. Mitch’s girlfriend, Sarah, plays the drums. She is very energetic which is good when you play the drums.
River is another guitarist, and her girlfriend, Finley, plays the electric bass. River has a buzz cut with many tattoos. Both her arms are covered in tattoos. She also has a couple on her torso. She always has big and dramatic eyeliner. Finley is an ex-professional racecar driver. They met when River went to one of her races.
The newest addition to the band is Matt. He plays the keyboard and is a SpongeBob Squarepants superfan.
Seriously, he buys anything he sees that has SpongeBob’s face on it. He has a whole room at his house dedicated to SpongeBob merch. He’s obsessed.
I haven’t been working a lot at Devil’s Ink since I have been focusing on my music. I am thinking of putting Morgan in charge of the shop.
I also don’t go there as often because it reminds me of her.
She always said she loved my tattoos.
I once tattooed a rose that matches the one on my arm, on her arm. I wish I could fix my past. We haven't spoken since she went away. I miss her. It’s all my fault. What hurts the most is that she is everywhere, but here.
Even my phone misses her call.
I think it is time for me to try and let her go. I need to stop thinking of her so much.
I’m going for a walk.
I start walking to my front door and put on my vans without bothering to untie them before putting them on. I don’t really know where I am going, but I walk through the door anyway.
As I am walking through the streets of London, I realize that I should go for walks more often. It’s relaxing.
It is a pretty cloudy day. It is not too hot nor cold either. It’s a nice day.
I suddenly freeze as I’m walking in front of the pub where I met Cleo. My heart beats faster and my hands become sweaty.
There she is.
I notice she isn’t alone though. She’s… with another guy.
Has she moved on already? No, it could be her cousin or maybe her friend. Yeah, that's it. A friend.
She then leans in and kisses him passionately, throwing her arms around his neck.
My mind goes blank. I pull my hood up, turn around, and start walking home with my hands in my sweater pockets. I pull my hood up and look down.
Tears start to fall down my cheeks even though I try my hardest to blink them away.
She already moved on from a two year relationship? Why can’t I move on? Why can’t I just forget about her and not be sad all the time?
She looked happy. Why can’t I be happy? I knew this walk was a mistake.

I practically run through my door. I stop and lean on the table next to the door while I try to catch my breath.
I need a drink.
I stand up straight and walk to the hallway where I keep all my bottles. When I am about to grab a bottle, I stop walking. I look up and look at myself in the mirror that is above where the bottles are kept.
I notice my eyes are so bloodshot that I can barely see the green in my eyes.
I don’t know who the person in the mirror is. I don’t recognize myself.
After about a minute of just looking at my reflection, I finally stop looking and grab a bottle. I walk away from the hallway and sit on the floor next to my guitar.
I open the bottle and take the first drink. I relax as I focus on the satisfying, burning feeling as it goes down my throat.
As I continue drinking, I replay today’s events over and over again. The kiss, the hug, how happy she looked.
As I get closer to the end of the liquor, the pain and sadness doesn't go away. This was one of my fears. Drinking was the only thing that made the pain go away. Now, not even that works. My whole body feels like it’s buzzing, but I don’t feel that familiar numbness that I would feel when drinking.
I am almost done with the bottle now, but stop before taking the next drink.
Why do I continue drinking if it doesn’t have the same effect anymore? It’s only bringing me closer to my death now.
Feeling guilt, sadness, pain, and most of all, feeling tired. Tired of life and having to feel this way.
What did I do to deserve to live like this?
Why can’t my life go back to the way it was before?
Why can’t I feel happy?
I let myself drown in my thoughts and emotions. I start crying, repeating the same line in my head over and over again in hopes of it coming true.
Take the pain away.
I close my eyes, lean my head on the wall behind me, and take the final gulp from the bottle.