Dear Cooper, 

It’s been two days since the day we started dating. Two days of non-stop smiles and singing all the cheesy love songs ever sang. I know that probably doesn’t mean much to you, but I get very giddy when it comes to this kind of stuff. 

Love to me is something that I can’t explain well. I don’t know when I’ll fall in love, but I do know that in my small heart a piece is dedicated to you. You see, the problem with that is I understand that I love you. I know that love is this complex thing that I shouldn’t mess with, but I want to. I want to experience the hurt and pain and beauty of love. But, I am confused about how to start showing you the love I feel for you. 

I know I receive love through quality time, but I’m unsure which five love languages complete the cycle. I cannot love if I am uncertain of how to; I need a plan. I can’t go with my gut instinct. I don’t trust it; I overthink everything. I can not trust myself to make the appropriate decision. I feel like I’m constantly wrong- I know that about myself. I realize that it’s a terrifying concept. That’s why I want to warn you. Warn you of all the times I won’t feel good enough or the constant need for validation. I’m working on it. I really am. 

But, from overthinking, my eyes are opened to the many things I have come to love about you. We are opposites. I think that is why I feel drawn to you-  opposites attract, you know. I like the way you are able to live without fear or the confidence you have when someone tries you. You have an innumerable amount of qualities that I adore. Your random comments can make me grin from ear to ear, the soft side you try desperately, to hide from the world, the ability to make everyone feel like they belong. Each part of you makes me more and more drawn to you. 

I write out these reasons like I need to justify why this chemical reaction in my brain happened. Think of it as a way I cope with new feelings. But, this feeling has been there since 4th grade. It’s not new, so why am I treating it as it is? I'm telling myself it’s because I don’t understand how someone could like me. I hope that you can help me figure this out. 

I have lots of hopes for this relationship, lots of dreams. My biggest one is that we stay together for a little while. Our relationship is one I want to believe is worth the fight and pain it will inevitably bring, but quite frankly, I don’t know if it is. No matter the outcome. No matter if we stay together forever. Or if in the next few days we are over. Please understand, my heart has a small piece beating just for you. 

I love you forever, 

                         Lila 

P.S. One day, I’ll build up the courage not just to write it but say those three words to you. Not yet, though. 

Dear Cooper,

It’s been ten months. 

Ten months of confusing everyone, ten months of constantly being asked why and consistently being told, you could do so much better. In which, a way is ironic, people telling you can do better when you feel like no one else could ever love you. Ten months of being in a constant state of does he still like me. Not once going to bed without questioning why, out of everyone he could have had, did he pick me. Or pondering on the what-ifs and then what about this and that. Ten months of being completely baffled on why you are still with me. 

Ten months is a lifetime for a relationship sprung from a microscopic seventh-grade crush. One that shouldn’t have lasted more than a week. Not many people can say that their middle school relationship lasted longer than a month or a week, or even a few days. From the limited knowledge Google has brought to me, I’ve come to the conclusion that only one pair out of every ten relationships that start dating in middle school workout. Only 10 percent of couples that started in middle school will last long. That baffles me. We should have broken up by now, at least according to math and science. No one expected us to last this long. They all questioned our relationship. They started thinking that our love wouldn’t continue through the rest of the nine weeks. Then they said we wouldn’t make it through the last leg of our middle school career. They questioned our ability to hold on to these feelings through the summer, and they doubted we would make it through any of high school.  I like being this exception. I deeply love proving the rest of the world wrong. I enjoy defeating all the odds. That is stacking up against you and me. 

But, when I look at it from their point of view, I gain only a limited understanding of their doubts. We don’t fit together. Opposites. You are one of the biggest extroverts I know, while I would rather perish than be forced into talking in front of a crowd. The confidence you have in public is double mine. And you don’t need straight a’s to feel accomplished or constant approval from those around you to feel accepted by them. School isn’t your driving force, just as sports isn’t mine. Our motivations dictated the stereotype we fell into; the nerd and the athlete, an age-old tell. We have so many differences that we shouldn’t belong together. There are an overwhelming amount of reasons our haters have doubts about this relationship working out. 

They don’t see us the way I do. They don’t see the smile your memory brings to my face. They will never hear the sweet whisper asking if I’m doing okay. They will never feel my heartbeat beating faster and faster as we talk about random things. They can’t comprehend the joy I feel when you hold my hand. They haven’t experienced the brief moment of frustration when you yell at me for putting my hand on top of your because that is apparently not how it goes. They are not kept up all night by your ridiculous Little Bunny Foo- Foo song. That you now know every word too. They don’t understand the small moments like shining flashlights near your eye- in the hope to keep you up just a few moments longer. 

They look at us and see differences; they look at the last ten months and are confused about how we have worked this long. I look and see all my happiness in one person. I see the small moments that have piled up, causing my love for you to grow exponentially. 

No one will understand but, I know. I know that I’m not giving up on you. I know that even if we grow apart, you will always hold the title of the first boy to have my heart. That is a great honor. Please, use it to the best of your ability. 

Here’s to almost one year together and here's to hopefully many more. 

I love you forever, 

         Your favorite Apple, 

                          Lila

P.S. These letters have the potential to cause me noble amounts of embarrassment. So please note if you ever get the chance to read one, you have my whole heart.  

Dear Cooper, 

Maybe I jinxed it. 

Maybe writing these letters was a waste of my time. Because instead of it ending happily ever after, I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I know it was a long shot for this to last. Deep down inside, I was part of the group of haters, rooting for the end of us. Mentally I prepared myself for the inevitable event that finally occurred today. Never once giving you the honor of being my front cover on any post and constantly doubting your feelings for me. Maybe my anxiety helped me out this time. It allowed me to question your attraction towards me since January 9th. It was a quiet thought in the back of my mind that you hated me. Now, that voice is screaming at me that I had been right all along. 

I knew old middle school crushes don’t work out, but I was hoping and praying every day that just maybe this one could. I knew that we were not supposed to last. Every odd there was, was stacked against us. I would have done anything to overcome each of the challenges set before us. 

Everything I ever knew told me I was in the wrong to like you. I mean, you were my best friend's younger brother, after all. I broke every single girl code ever made to be with you. Now, I can’t even look at you in the face anymore. I was in love with you, and now, I must put on a front every time I see you. I am an actor who's playing a part no one it seems is able to handle. I'm playing the role of a perfectly okay person - someone who can smile and laugh without a care in the whole world. I’m, now, compelled into acting as the girl whose heart isn’t full of many, many cracks just a small inconvenience away from snapping in half. 

I don’t think you understand. It was you- you were my happiness. You were the reason I enjoyed going to school. I look forward to seeing your stupid, smiling face and hearing the slide remarks during class. My heart used to double when I looked at you, only to see you were already looking. I loved seeing people’s faces when I got to tell them that we were still dating and their shocked expressions when I said it’s been almost 11 months. I loved the way your hoodies fell to my knees and the way the sleeves were just long enough to wrap my hands tightly inside. Your hugs brought me life, and your laugh was contagious. The need to make every single thing we could into a competition made my life thousands of times more enjoyable. I loved seeing the disappointment in your face once I destroyed you once more. 

But, now those little moments have evaporated. I no longer have the right to brag to people about how long my middle school relationship has lasted. I cannot wear your hoodies- they are now in a state of waiting for one of your future girlfriends to use. I’m learning how to hold back the desire to stare in your direction. It has only led to the cracks in my heart growing some more. My attempt to ignore you isn’t working well. My fragile state is becoming worse and worse each time I am forced to see how well you are, compared to the brokenness I am constantly feeling inside. 

I think, that the hardest part of breaking up is not this emptiness I feel. But, learning how to understand how this change in emotion can affect one but not the other. How can you go from someone being your entire world, someone who controlled your heart and you would give up everything for them to someone you used to love, a stranger with a few really good memories together. I know I was just a short part of your life. But, being completely knocked off of the storyboard is something I am not fully equipped to handle. 

I am having to retrain my brain not to feel anything for you, while you could do that without trying. I have never been more jealous of you than I am right now. Not to feel anything is thousands of times better than having to go through the phases and pretend to have a handle on your emotions. My life is falling apart before my eyes. And, I am scrabbling to grab up as many parts as I can to create the beautiful picture it once was. But, as many times as I put it together, it looks more and more wrong. I can’t make everything fit without having you in it. I don’t want you in my life’s picture. But it seems to need you in it to complete it. It is almost as if life is playing a cruel joke on me. I don’t understand why life must torture me like this.

Learning how to accept this joke is causing me tremendous amounts of pain. That pain will lead to something good, right? That is the only way I will be able to let the heartache happen. I need to know all of this is worth something. I need the rainbow after the storm to appear sooner rather than later. 

But I don’t blame you for these emotions. I don’t blame you for the emptiness I feel right now. And I can not bring myself to be angry at you. You simply lost feelings. Nothing complex, no one cheating, no past ex walking back into your heart. Nothing crazy, just a boy who fell then climbed back up faster than the girl could. Your feelings fade as my feelings grow stronger: it’s a matter of life, something bound to happen. Even though we didn’t, we couldn’t figure this whole love thing out. Your name is the one I will say when I am asked- who was the lucky boy to hold my heart first. 

Even though the outcome of my first love wasn’t the fairy tale ending I had hoped would happen. Thanks for playing along with me for a little bit. Your performance wasn’t disappointing. 

With a heavy heart, I say one more time-  I will forever love you, 

           Lila Apple. 

P.S. One day, I will look back on these letters. These pictures, on these memories, and laugh at how dumb I was. I look back and think about how I didn’t understand what heartache really was. But, please know that to me these letters. The pictures in the back of my phone, the fond memories I hold on to have created a picture of what first love truly means. 

Maybe in another life, we could work out. But until then, goodbye, my friend.