“The greatest mistake a man can ever make is to be afraid of making one"-Elbert Hubbard.

   From birth to becoming a teenager, I learned countless valuable lessons that shaped me to become who I am. Some of those are common sense such as “wash your hands before you eat”, and “complete your homework”. In contrast, there are unique life rules I developed through experience. These, although acquired the hard way, allowed me to improve myself. Comparing myself to others may sometimes help me. However, when that gets out of hand, things get nasty. Most parents exclaim to their kids, "Look at that boy! See how he acts polite and does everything well? Try to be more like him!” My parents also followed this custom. Due to this way of talking, I began to acknowledge how others were performing a certain task. As this continued for years, comparing myself to others became a habit.

   I felt my face grow hot. I tried to focus on breathing deep, but rage and embarrassment took control of me. I wanted to scream and disappear through the walls at the same time. How could SHE, of all people, become concertmaster? With all the power I could muster, I plastered a smile on my face and gave an awkward thumbs-up to my friend, who was bursting with glee. Suddenly, everything looked different. I hated the way everyone was patting her on the back and saying words of congratulations to her. Anger flooded my veins and rage nearly consumed me. My close friend in the orchestra has now become my worst enemy. My eyes glowing with jealousy, I kept telling myself; My only goal was to win against her!

A few months before, I was accepted into the school orchestra. It was my last year in elementary school, so I was thrilled to finally participate as a player in the orchestra. I had been waiting for this opportunity since I started to play the violin! The first violin was for students who performed in the audition very well. And there was my name on the first violin players! This made me confident in my ability to play the violin more than ever. As I stepped into the orchestra practice room, I paused at the silent air. It was so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. Everyone was new to the orchestra, and we were reluctant to be the first ones to break the silence.

Then, a cheerful girl who was sitting next to me whispered in my direction, "Hi, I am Aileen. What's your name?"

   That was the beginning of a friendship between me and Aileen. Every week, I was counting the days until orchestra practice, not just because of Aileen, but also because I was praised as the best player. The teacher was calling me to the front of the room to demonstrate how to play a piece. It was our tradition for the string orchestra, the marching band, and other musical groups to perform at the school festival. One day, he announced that we would elect a bandmaster who will play a solo at the school festival. This was my last year at Elementary school, so I wanted to play the solo. Every orchestra member was expected to perform a piece in front of all the music teachers on the audition day. I thought that I did well in my audition for the bandmaster, so my hopes were way up. I could just picture myself in the concert hall when everybody is quiet; my violin melody echoing vividly. But my imagination did not end up aligning with the truth. The next week, the teacher told us that the judges had to make a very hard decision. He was looking straight at me, so I presumed that he would present me as the orchestra leader. I was ready to spring up and say my thanks…

 he declared, “Aileen will be leading the orchestra. Fantastic performance, Aileen!  Kayla, nice job too!"

  Wait, what? I looked at him, bewildered. He must have made a mistake! Aileen did 'fantastic' while I only got 'nice'? My mind only had the thought 'I need to win' and it was controlling me. I glanced at the piece she was practicing. I will learn how to play that so I can become better than her at violin. In orchestra practice, I began caring about how she performed. If she made a mistake or if the teacher scolded her, I couldn't help but let out a smirk. If she got praised, I would become Miss. Grumpypants for the rest of the day. I found mistakes in her renditions and pointed them out instead of applauding her. Finally, Aileen asked what was wrong.

"Kayla, you seem to be distracted a lot these days. We also don't text often. Is there something wrong?" Aileen asked with her brow furrowed.

"Nothing's wrong." I shot back. with an edge in my voice.

"Are you sure?"

"Stop fussing at me, Aileen! I said I was fine! Now go back to your work, you have a lot to do with that solo of yours!" I spat. 'Maybe that was a little too much,' I thought. But if I complimented her, it would be accepting that she is better at violin than me. I couldn't possibly allow damage to my pride! "Besides," I murmured to myself, "I have to get down dirty to be the best."

   It seemed as if time didn't go fast enough. Normally, I would chat with Aileen while students in the second and third violin played. Now, I couldn't. As the festival neared, practice sessions were more often. A minute felt like an hour and the teacher seemed to be droning on forever. It was as if I had forgotten how I loved practice just a few months ago. When practice finally ended, I quietly packed my things, thinking about how I will manage to survive upcoming rehearsals. Then, another girl on the first violin came up to me.

"Hey, you look lonely. Why don't you hang out with Aileen?"

'Oh, this again?' I frowned. "I just... I don't. Okay?"

"But you guys were best friends!" She exclaimed. When I didn't answer, she rolled her eyes, "Is this because you weren't picked as the orchestra leader? Oh please! Can't you just be yourself?"

   Suddenly, my mind became fuzzy. 'Just be yourself... I heard that somewhere. But where was it?' I tried to recollect my memory. I slowly drifted off into a place in my mind that I had long forgotten...

   When I was in 5th grade, I was the kind of girl who was very enthusiastic about everything. My hand shot up when the teacher asked the class a question and I was the first to volunteer for an activity. A grin appeared on my face when someone praised me for my willingness. In other words, I was a goody-two-shoes. The teachers adored me, and I also achieved good scores academically too. One day in the middle of the term, my teacher had some news for our class,

"This is Summer. She moved here from another city. She will be joining our class."

   The new girl had her hair tied in a ponytail. Her eyes faced the ground and her uniform was ironed tidy. When the teacher told her to introduce herself, she said a quiet "hi" and quickly went back to her seat. I, being the cheerful girl once again, said

"Hey, I'm Kayla! Nice to meet you!"

But Summer went beet red and whispered a barely hearable, "Okay.”

   Though everyone was interested in her the first few weeks. They asked her question about where she moved from, was she popular, etc. However, the fuss quieted quickly because she didn't talk much. Summer always focused in class, but never did she volunteer.

   It was during our end-of –semester tests when people became aware of her again. We had to take performance evaluations for various subjects. For three weeks, I endured the process of memorizing every single thing in my textbooks. I believed that I had taken the tests well and I was excited to see the scores. I got one or two wrong in social studies and science, I aced the other subjects. I was satisfied with my scores...until I realized that Summer had gotten higher scores than me. I fumed with envy 'How could this be? I mean, she didn't even take all the lessons!' By getting the highest score in the class, Summer regained everybody's attention quickly. My classmates asked her "How did you become so smart?"

   That was the question they used to ask me! My jealousy took on another level. At last, the green-eyed monster took control of me.

   The best solution I could think of then, to become better than her, was simple; be a copycat. I followed Summer's study curriculum exactly. When she studied, I pulled out my books and studied ferociously too. When Summer sat quietly or played with her few friends, I hung out with my friends while eavesdropping on what she was saying. Focusing on my work required enough effort; caring about what Summer was doing too really put a lot on my load. I became more tired and grumpier. My friendship generally broke apart because I only focused on my studies, and when I was not, I was looking at Summer's work.

   As exhausted as I was, I consoled myself by thinking 'All this hard work will pay off at the next tests. I mean, copying what Summer does will surely improve my scores, right?' Wrong! An event that happened shortly before the tests made me change my attitude. One day, as I stepped into the classroom, I glanced at Summer's seat; empty. My eyes searched the classroom. Our teacher entered our classroom and said, "Summer won't be coming to school for a few days." That day, I couldn't concentrate. I did not know whether to play at break time or to study because the person I had copied wasn't there. Though I tried to hide it, I could not help but glance at Summer's seat occasionally. Then, one of my friends approached me and chirped

"Do you wanna go with us to the science lab?"

I replied with an uncertain tone, "Uh, I'm not sure."

   She eyed me suspiciously and sighed. "You are like this because you don't know what to do without Summer to copy, aren't you? Why don't you just try to be yourself?"

   I felt as if I had been hit with a hard blow. What she said made me realize what I was denying for a long time. By imitating Summer, I was slowly losing my personality and uniqueness. Also, if my envy was prominent to my friend, that means Summer might have felt it too. I suddenly felt an urge to apologize to Summer. Oh no! She wasn't here! What if she didn't come because of me? I just had to talk to her. I checked my phone and found that I did not have her number in my contacts. I rushed over to Summer's friend, Sophie.

"Sophie, can you please give me Summer's number?"

"Why?" She narrowed her eyes, as if to see if I had some hidden intention.

"I have to say sorry. I was so horrible to her."

"In that case... Of course!" She said, relieved.

   After school ended, I cautiously sent a message to Summer.

"Hi Summer, It's Kayla." When she did not answer straight away, perspiration started rolling down my forehead. Was she mad at me? But, after a short while, my phone buzzed.

"Hello, Kayla."

"Summer, I'm sorry. I just liked competing, and at one point, envy just took control of me. I didn't mean to copy everything that you did. I treated you horribly. But please come to school. I can't bear the thought of you not coming to school because of me." I sent my answer after revising it multiple times.  Again, I impatiently waited for her to respond.

"What?! I just had a cold.  That’s why I couldn’t come to school for a few days. Thanks for the apology though."

I let out a sigh of relief. Now, for the most important part; asking her to be my friend.

"Um... So, could we possibly be friends?" Did I sound too self-indulgent? I mean, I just apologized! Was it too early to propose being friends? While my brain was filled with thoughts, Summer answered my text.

"Sure! So I'll see you tomorrow?" That was how our friendship started.

   From then on, Summer and I became best buddies. Though we often studied together, I didn’t compare myself with her anymore. Summer helped me find a unique study curriculum that suited me. As a result, Summer and I both aced the next tests. It was the best score I had ever gotten. And this time, we were able to celebrate together. We squealed, jumped excitedly, and exchanged words of congrats.

    I blinked at the sudden change of view 'Where am I?' I was in the orchestra practice room. Everybody had already left. My flashback had lasted for almost 20 minutes. The memory of what happened during practice slowly came back to me. It was almost 5 o'clock. The sun had started to set. The wonderful colors the sun let out lit the sky like a beautiful canvas drawing of a dream. Staring at the sky, I became conscious of what my previous flashback meant. I was in the same kind of situation, yet I made the same mistake! Instead of being a good friend to Aileen, I had to be jealous of her. I was too busy protecting my pride that I was oblivious to how childish I was acting. Aileen had been chosen as concertmaster because she was better than me, not because the teachers made a mistake. I knew this fact deep inside but tried to ignore it to protect my pride. Because I didn’t accept that someone could be better than me, I lost my best friend. 

   On the bus home, I looked at the sky again. By then, the sun had already set and the outline of the moon and a few bright stars were showing. I traced the stars with my fingers. For a brief second, I saw a violin in the almost-night sky. I rubbed my eyes and looked at the sky again. But the violin was gone and the sky was filled with stars. Oh, how I forced myself to the starting line and dragged myself through the never-ending race with others. Looking directly at the brightest star, I whispered,

"I will never get stuck in the comparison game ever again!" It was a promise I was sure that I would keep.

   The next day, I was counting the seconds until orchestra practice. My hands were busy writing and crossing out what I would say to Aileen. "Aileen, I have to apologize... No! Um... Hey Aileen... Not that either! Arrgh!" Finally, the ending bell sounded. I ran up to the orchestra practice room. Aileen was already there because she was always preparing before practice. I went up to her with recourse, determined that I would make things right.

"Aileen, I was a bad friend. I should have congratulated you when you became the orchestra leader. Instead, I envied you and compared myself with you. Can you forgive me?"

Aileen smiled and answered, "Of course I forgive you. I understand that you were upset.”

   Aileen and I sat together in orchestra practice again. I practiced the songs I wanted to play and practiced my way. I started to enjoy violin instead of trying to be the best. At the school festival, I still was not the concertmaster, and Aileen played the solo. And I... I played right next to her where the second-best violin player sits. We lead the entire first violin throughout the whole concert. And throughout the festival, we exchanged glances and smiles with each other. Although I was not the best player in the orchestra, I was having fun while being the second best.

   The secret to truly winning is winning against my past self. Like the president of the Neo Lab Convergence Ahn Kyong Soo said, “When you win against someone, you might feel that second of glory. But in reality, you are making an enemy which becomes a threat. Hence the never ending cycle. So what it really important is fighting against yourself.” Even the slightest improvement should be celebrated. Comparing myself to others makes me overwork to achieve impossible goals. Or, it could be the opposite; comparing myself to others could regulate me to a certain level when I can accomplish way more. Making myself my competitor is a difficult thing to do. Seeing all the people around me moving forward might make me feel as if I am going backward. Before, I needed to have a visible mark to prove my effort. The easiest way was to correlate my work with those of others. However, after these two experiences, I have been trying to set up my own goals. Every time I try to do something the lesson I learned; "A second comparing myself to others is a second lost in improving myself. Don't let anyone be a definition of my success. Instead, I should define my own success" will always help me to keep my self-confidence up and advance.